Climbing the 2020 Summit...

Hmm... so I started this with a good plan for what I would write... but I just totally forgot everything I was going to say.
Maybe it's cause I'm watching Bones right now. (Probably the best show EVER).

Ok. So.
I just got back from 4 days in Canmore. No, I did not get to go skiing... quite the opposite in fact. I spent all 4 days indoors, sitting through seminars and group sessions. I was there for the 2020 Summit, a conference put on by the Baptist Conference of Canada for "emerging leaders in the church". I didn't really think it was very leader specific, but still an awesome chance for young adults to grow and learn together.

I was there for 4 group devotional and/or worship times, and got to pick 3 seminars to go to. The 3 I picked were: The Big Career and Calling-Discerning God's Will, Talking the Jesus Story, and Earth Crammed with Heaven-God, Culture, and You. The 2 group sessions were on "Personal Style Inventory" (personality types) and Spiritual Gifts.


So:

Devo #1 - Mark 4:35-41
*When we follow Christ, He will lead us into storms.
*God shows up in the storms.
*Our tendancy is to doubt the goodness of God when storms come.
*We find peace not in the absence of storms, but in the presence of Christ.

Devo #2 - Matthew 5:1-16
*Side notes: some writers/theologians think that the Beattitudes were written more as "congratulations" then a list of "rules". As in "Congratulations to you people before me with pure hearts, you will see God".
*God is offering us a life of impact.
*We are to live a life radically different then the world we live in - the tamer we become, the less influence we have.
*How?
*"We are the salt of the earth" - we are to bring the flavor out of life, to make it better, preserve it. We are to be rubbed in the wounds of our broken society, to heal it.
"We are the light of the world" - we are to help lead the way, to live a life that when people look at us, they will know where to go. We can't shine our light in their eyes though, we must go along side them so they can see the way.
*Emphasis on showing, not telling.
*Am I ready to trade my ordinary life for the "extreme" life God offers?

Discerning God's Will -
1. God's will is not so much about the unknown future as it is about the present tense.
*God's will for us is in the present and:
-it will probably be vague
-it will probably not reveal the ending
**The best way to ensure that I am where God wants me to be tomorrow or years from now is to follow God today and focus on the present.
*Have I been obedient to following God TODAY?
2. God's will is not so much about me as it is about God.
*"Not what I will, but what you will"
**Sometimes God takes away our dreams because He has something bigger and better.
3. God's will is not so much a target to hit or a closed container to fit into as it is a personal, life-long, adventurous relationship.
*"Life is like a journey":
-the final destination is fixed and determined (though we might not know what it is)
-the route getting there is as different as each person
-each journey has its share of hardships and adventures
-any journey requires a day to day commitment
-any adventure worth its while requires an experienced travel guide
4. God's will is not something that is fixed and inflexible; rather it is flexible and fluid and encompasses our failures.

That one was definatly the best of the ones I went to.

Personal Style Indicator -
Though this was a test that I'd never seen before, I still "scored" a description like what I normally get. I scored high in "Behavioral" (Action) and "Affective" (Expression) which leads to the following description:
Behavioral action and expressive tendencies are both high in this personal style pattern. These types of people are energetic, confident, and willing to explore new ways of improving things. There is often a mixed reaction to these individuals. On one hand, their energy, optimistic attitude, wordiness, and fortitude impress others, but their drive to get results might interfere with others' feeling comfortable with them. There is often a need for people with this pattern to work on balancing their result orientation with more consideration for human relations. Others are attracted to them and fascinated by them, but can feel intimidated by their high energy and unusual creativity. People with this pattern can exhaust themselves with their own energy.
(Give me some feed-back on this guys... does it sound like me? How am I different/the same?)

Spiritual Gifts -
This one was interesting for me cause, though I kind of had an idea what mine might be, I had never taken a spiritual giftings "test". It was interesting as well that, as you will see, my "gifts" really go along with my personality... all except for one. A quote that the speaker said really encouraged me - "Sometimes our gifts are meant only to be used within the bounds of the Church/Ministry". And I'll come back to that in a sec.
The following are my 5 gifts in order of highest to lowest scoring (the highest you can get is a 12):
1. Leadership (12) (confidence to step forward, give direction, and provide motivation)
2. Administration (11) (formulate, direct, and carry out plans)
3. Musical - vocal/instrument (11) (express faith, provide inspiration and comfort)
4. Pastoring (9) (the confidence, capability, and compassion to provide spiritual leadership and direction)
5. Wisdom (9) (sort through opinions, facts and thoughts in order to determine a solution)
The 2 places I'm definatly not gifted in are writing (3) and service (3).
But back to that quote. I have always felt like my musical skills were different/"lacking" somehow... cause no matter how long I would practice for, the only things that ever made sense were chords and worship songs. I would think to myself "well I guess the only thing I'm good for is playing accustic on the church music team"... but now it's more like yeah! That's how God has gifted me. My music is not meant to go past the Church, it was meant for the Church.

So yeah...
That's all I can really think of right now... I think this is the longest post I've ever done......
Let me know what you think.

And so my heart feels...

doubt.
loneliness.
fear.
love.
anticipation.
anger.
remorse.

at loss for words.
fearing the future.
feeling lost.
laughing at myself.
confused why.

so many decisions.
so many doors.
everyone but me knowing how my life should be.

Papa God is present.
he's not talking.
waiting.

humbled i come.
surrendered i fall.
before Him.

He is present in this mess of my life.
i'm stuck.
unmoving in my stupidity.
He stands by.
and waits.

through all the questions,
mistakes,
dead-ends,
and lies,
He has been there for me.
sometimes i ignore Him.
sometimes i run to Him.
but always He waits.

tears.
a heart that's breaking.
a passion that's growing.
a love that's pulsing.

so long with no feelings.
so long with no emotions.
invasion.
He enters in.
He loves me into His arms.
and so my heart feels...

A lesson failed, a lesson learned.

[written in my journal as it happened]

I'm sitting here in Tim Hortons, all alone.
I came here to think, to get away from the crowds.

As I sit, a tall handsome guy stands in line. Beside him slouches what looks to be a homeless man- overgrown beard, unclean smell, ragged clothes. Instantly my mind begins to prejudge.
"What's he doing in here?" "Probably one of those guys who comes in here 20 times a day to get a cup of water" "I wonder how many times he's been kicked out of here" I see him look longingly at the donuts and I wonder for a second when he last had a treat like that.

I turn my attention to the "handsome guy". He stands tall, like he's sure of himself. Blonde hair pokes out from some name brand hat. He's adorned in other name brand clothing and his blue eyes sparkle with a mischievous and flirtatious glow. "One of those guys eh" "He probably has some hot girlfriend, who he lives with, and - "

My thoughts and judgements are interrupted by the cashiers firm voice.
"Um excuse me," She's looking directly at the scruffy man. You can tell what's coming. He's definatly not supposed to be here. He looks unsure for a moment, but then the young man breaks in.
"Actually, he's with me."

I can't help but staring now. I watch as my lesson of the day (or maybe year?) unfolds. The young man buys the homeless man a hot drink and his choice of donut - a boston creme.

The scene only lasted a couple of minutes, but that's all that was needed.

The two strangers parted ways with a "cheers" and a nod. The young man walked by me on his way out, and as he did, it was like Jesus was walking by me, I could see God's Love, God's Heart, and God's Hands right there in front of me. And it was like He reached out, grapped my heart, and whispered,

"Here's to your judging, uncompassionate, and closed heart... I forgive you, love you, and want to give you more chances - now, go and serve my people."

Just like that.
Lesson failed. Lesson learned.

The Delirious Consequence

Messy Spirituality - Michael Yaconelli

*What landed Jesus on the cross was the preposterous idea that common, ordinary, broken, screwed up people could be godly!

*What drove Jesus' enemies crazy were His criticisms of the "perfect" religious people and His acceptance of the imperfect nonreligious people. The shocking implication of Jesus' ministry is that anyone can be spiritual.

*Spirituality is not a formula, it's a relationship. It's not about competency, it's about intimacy. Not about perfection, but about connection.

*Spirituality is not about being fixed; it is about God's being present in the mess of our unfixedness.

*Messy Spirituality is the delirious consequence of a life "ruined" by a Jesus who will love us right into His arms.

I'm Sorry...

This is the hardest thing in the world for me to do, but I can feel a cry in my heart that's telling me to get it out and leave it be, so here goes...

I'm sorry for not being the friend that you deserve
I'm sorry for not telling the truth when you asked for it
I'm sorry for holding grudges
I'm sorry for saying the things that I know will hurt you
I'm sorry for not saying the things that will help
I'm sorry for only having questions when you wanted answers
I'm sorry for not being someone you can look up to
I'm sorry for leading you on
I'm sorry for letting you go
I'm sorry for talking behind your back
I'm sorry for still being mad
I'm sorry for ignoring you
I'm sorry for not always being sorry

I'm sorry.

I wish I could say sorry to each individual person that I've wronged and even as I type one wrong has been made right and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off instantly.

I love you all.

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Those Daily Bites below are devotionals that I get sent to me everyday. Sometimes I read them, sometimes I don't. These two I read together after not reading them for a while. They really stuck out. God's faithfullness is something I'll never understand. It never ceases to amaze me that day after day, mistake after mistake, sin after sin, He still loves me and will carry me through hard times or when I fall.

Painted Flowers and a Heart that seeks...

Something is happening inside of me guys...

I don't know what it is,

But something is going on.

I feel a stirring,

A call,

A longing...

Yet inside of me there is so much doubt,

Confusion,

Worry,

Uncertainty.

I feel so shallow,

Like I've built up a wall around my heart,

To convince myself (and others) that I'm strong, independant, and deep in God.

But hiding behind that wall I am standing,

Weak, unwise, and unsure where God is in my life.

So I turn to the Bible and prayer,

I immurse myself in traditions and rituals,

That look right and seem right,

But that go in one ear, by-pass my heart, and out the other ear.

And when I don't find that missing piece there,

I turn away completely...

Tired,

Depressed,

Crushed.

Then,

A reminder,

Just some petty words,

But they cause a blow to the head (and to the heart).

And:

"I fall back in Blind Faith,
Believing in what I cannot feel,
Trusting in what I've seen in the past,
Hanging on for dear Life to the Hand that I've held before,
Patiently waiting for Him to be my Tears,
To wash it all away.
Sitting,
In silence,
Listening for those whispered Words that I want so badly to hear,
"I love you my Child"
And in the Darkness,
A Light begins to grow,
Revealing that,
All along,
He was always there,
Watching me,

Guiding me,

Loving me."

----------------------------

I've been reading a book called "The End of Religion" and it talks about how we've been given a slightly false idea of how "religious" Jesus was... I mean, His first miracle was to turn Holy hand washing water in party Wine!

The part that hit me the most though was when the author talked about how these days we try to read our Bible and stuff to find God, when really- God finds us, we respond in our hearts, and then we react by reading the Bible. It was like my own brick wall hit me in the face. All this time I've been trying to find the clue to Passion in the Words, when really I should be looking directly to Christ where I can make an instant connection. I was using words to fill a hole where only the Spirit could fit.

I still feel really shallow, like I don't know anything about God or what it means to follow Him... I think I've grown up taking Him and His Life for granted, never looking for new ways to serve Him or Know Him... It's like I've gone back to the baby stages /again/ and have to start all over.

Learning to trust,

To follow,

To seek,

To Love.

I gave in...

Well, I wondered how long I would last before I got a blog...
I lasted long enough I guess.
But now, due to the fact that I'm moving away in like 2 weeks, I figured (with the help of some others) I would finally start one up.

I am however warning you before-hand...
It probably won't be very exciting, or entertaining, or even interesting,
But it will be my "open heart", if you know what I mean.

There's no point to me starting this if i'm only going to talk about "how my day went"...
I want there to be something deeper...
You know,
Hopes and dreams,
Questions,
Prayers,
Confessions,
Stuff like that and more...

So yeah,
If you read this, you read it...
If you don't, more power to ya.