Painted Flowers and a Heart that seeks...

Something is happening inside of me guys...

I don't know what it is,

But something is going on.

I feel a stirring,

A call,

A longing...

Yet inside of me there is so much doubt,

Confusion,

Worry,

Uncertainty.

I feel so shallow,

Like I've built up a wall around my heart,

To convince myself (and others) that I'm strong, independant, and deep in God.

But hiding behind that wall I am standing,

Weak, unwise, and unsure where God is in my life.

So I turn to the Bible and prayer,

I immurse myself in traditions and rituals,

That look right and seem right,

But that go in one ear, by-pass my heart, and out the other ear.

And when I don't find that missing piece there,

I turn away completely...

Tired,

Depressed,

Crushed.

Then,

A reminder,

Just some petty words,

But they cause a blow to the head (and to the heart).

And:

"I fall back in Blind Faith,
Believing in what I cannot feel,
Trusting in what I've seen in the past,
Hanging on for dear Life to the Hand that I've held before,
Patiently waiting for Him to be my Tears,
To wash it all away.
Sitting,
In silence,
Listening for those whispered Words that I want so badly to hear,
"I love you my Child"
And in the Darkness,
A Light begins to grow,
Revealing that,
All along,
He was always there,
Watching me,

Guiding me,

Loving me."

----------------------------

I've been reading a book called "The End of Religion" and it talks about how we've been given a slightly false idea of how "religious" Jesus was... I mean, His first miracle was to turn Holy hand washing water in party Wine!

The part that hit me the most though was when the author talked about how these days we try to read our Bible and stuff to find God, when really- God finds us, we respond in our hearts, and then we react by reading the Bible. It was like my own brick wall hit me in the face. All this time I've been trying to find the clue to Passion in the Words, when really I should be looking directly to Christ where I can make an instant connection. I was using words to fill a hole where only the Spirit could fit.

I still feel really shallow, like I don't know anything about God or what it means to follow Him... I think I've grown up taking Him and His Life for granted, never looking for new ways to serve Him or Know Him... It's like I've gone back to the baby stages /again/ and have to start all over.

Learning to trust,

To follow,

To seek,

To Love.